Divorce is always challenging, but when you are leaving an abusive relationship, the complexities multiply. Telling your children about the divorce in such situations requires extra care and thoughtfulness to ensure their emotional well-being.
You will no doubt feel shame, guilt, or even anger. But it would be best to remember that you are taking responsible action by leaving a harmful relationship. By leaving, you are showcasing to your children that you and your children deserve to be treated better. Staying in a relationship for the sake of the children is such a heavy burden for those children to bear; stand firm in your decision.
Here are six compassionate and practical tips to help you navigate this difficult conversation.
1) Don’t bury your head in the sand.
Keeping children in the dark is rarely best, but timing is crucial. Wait until the decision to separate is final and tangible changes happen, such as when one parent prepares to move out.
Action: Your ex may not be willing to cooperate in logically conversing with the children about the change. Or they may want to use it as an opportunity to blame you, so keep expectations low and prepare to talk to them yourself. Think about when you want the conversation to happen and try to stick to it.
2) Prioritize Safety and Stability for you and the children.
Your safety and your children’s safety are paramount. Before discussing the divorce, ensure you have a secure plan. This might involve legal protection, safe housing, and a robust support system.
Action: Develop a safety plan with your lawyer and a domestic abuse advisor. Ensure your children are in a secure environment where the conversation can occur without fear of interruption or escalation.
3) Don’t get into detail; keep the message short.
Focus on the key messages: you are no longer together as partners but still love and care for them. It is not their fault; you will do everything possible to make this transition comfortable.
Action: UK parenting expert ‘Sue Atkins suggests sitting with your children and drawing a big circle on a large sheet of paper, dividing it into pieces, and working with your kids to fill in each segment with things that will not change for them. You can also check with your insurance provider to see if you can access parenting services, which can significantly support the children navigating this change.
4) Be honest, But mindful.
This is always so hard when we are leaving a perpetrator. You may feel like blaming the other parent and telling them this is all down to them is essential. But kids don’t need to know all the details that might make them feel unsafe. Avoid blaming the other parent, as this can make a child feel insecure, especially if you share custody.
Action: Practice how you will communicate the change to the children. Say the words out loud; you can even role-play what questions you feel might get asked and how to answer them. Mind movies are an excellent technique for helping you prepare.
5) It’s OK to showcase your emotions.
It’s okay for you to show emotion when discussing the divorce. Your sadness will signal to them that it’s normal to feel sad. However, avoid bad-mouthing or blaming the other parent.
Action: If you’re worried about your emotional reaction, speak to a divorce coach or family therapist to help you prepare and practice.
6) Allow them the space to process the information.
Children’s reactions can vary widely, from extreme emotions to seeming like they don’t care. They will process the information in their own time.
Action: If you can, finding additional support, such as a child therapist, can be wonderful. Even if they don’t seem open to the idea now, plant the seed that they have the option to somebody who won’t judge and only listen. Check with your insurance provider to see if you can get that additional help. If not, think about somebody you consider a role model, somebody your child looks up to on hand. Most schools throughout the UAE will have child counsellors or can direct you to support.
Conclusion
Telling your children about a divorce, especially when leaving an abusive relationship, is one of the most challenging conversations you will ever have. By prioritising safety, preparing carefully, and communicating compassionately and honestly, you can help your children understand and cope with the changes in a healthy and supportive way. Remember, you don’t have to do this alone—professional support is available to guide you and your children through this difficult time.
Co-parenting rarely works with a perpetrator. Consider Parallel Parenting instead. Check out my previous blog here to understand how to navigate this process and build a communication and parenting plan that works for you. Post-separation abuse is genuine, and once we have parted ways, we may feel like the abuse is over. Unfortunately, that is not the case; develop a plan that doesn’t leave you feeling drained and helps you regain control.
If you need support in safety planning, developing communication, and parallel parenting plans, book a free 15-minute no-obligation call to understand how I can support you.
In Light
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