Because trying to talk about anything related to the children is impossible.
I hear you. Discussing anything with a narcissist logically is like banging your head against a brick wall. You will have better conversations with a 4-year-old. The words reasonable, understanding, empathy, and considerate don’t compute with a narcissist.
You may as well find a nice wall in your house, stand before it, and start conversing. You’ll get better results.
Which is why co-parenting can feel like a full-time job. That you aren’t getting paid for.
So consider Parallel Parenting instead.
What’s the difference between co-parenting and parallel parenting?
Co-parenting can be a good option when a couple is prepared to set egos aside and do what’s best for the children. This looks like both parents agreeing on a parenting style so that the children have consistency across both homes. It provides structure and the children with a clear set of defined rules across both households; you may still spend Christmas day together or attend critical events for the children, showing a united front.
Unfortunately, you can’t do this with narcissists because they want to create chaos, not calm. This is where Parallel parenting could be a better option.
Parallel Parenting
This approach requires you to establish arrangements without any loopholes for the narcissist to exploit. It needs to be as bulletproof as possible so they can’t railroad arrangements and get the attention from you that they so desperately seek.
You are essentially thinking about ‘worst case scenarios’ and assessing where they could potentially manipulate a situation, which sounds exhausting. However, if you can do as much leg work upfront with a solid, parallel parenting plan, you can minimise the time you interact and communicate with them. The main aim is to keep the children’s welfare the focus of your attention, which means neutralising the battlefield that the narcissist creates.
How do I do that?
Step 1: Set Boundaries and determine your communication plan
Clients often say, ‘’I know about boundaries; I’ve tried implementing them, and it doesn’t work.’’
Setting up boundaries takes work and commitment. The hardest part can be sticking to them, especially if this is a new habit you are trying to form. If we don’t stand firm, they will try and manipulate the situation as best they can, so having a clear communication plan and not responding to their false allegations, lies, or drama will ensure you don’t get sucked into their game.
Always communicate through written channels. You should communicate via messages or emails or consider using a parenting app to maintain a record of conversations if you need to use them in the future. You want to be able to keep a record of communications to avoid any misunderstandings, which will likely be intentional.
A few App’s you could try:
-Amicable UK (free)
-Famcal (free)
-Our family wizard -$99 a year.
Step 2: Create a Plan that clearly outlines roles, responsibilities and consequences.
Failing to plan will open the door for games, tactics and ongoing abuse post-separation. That’s why taking the time to plan it through is crucial. They will cross boundaries if the expectations are not set because they feel entitled. Depending on your geographical location, having a plan registered or agreed upon by the courts, or if possible, police enforcement clauses will add some weight to the plan. Attaching consequence management may deter their entitled behaviour.
You can attempt this alone or seek the help of professionals to support you with preparing a plan. As a minimum, aim to include:
o Holiday arrangements and celebrations.
o How the children will be collected and dropped off.
o Set timings for collection and drop off. Include written boundaries. (For example, If the parent has yet to arrive within 20 minutes of the allocated time, alternative arrangements will be made for the children.)
o Pick up and drop off should be in a public place. Not from your home.
o Pick a suitable location so that the children feel comfortable switching cars. Especially if it’s during the evening. Avoid unlit, dark areas where nobody is around.
o If the children have bags/belongings, account for this. How to remove belongings without the narcissist putting on a show.
o Have a backup plan for the children in case of a cancellation or ‘no-show’.
o Agreement on whether cancelled visits can be made up later.
o Determine how disputes will be managed.
If they request changes in the plan when the court has already defined access arrangements, be careful. They may say things like; Can you take the kids to dance classes on Sundays instead of me?’’. They may be doing this to use that against you and say you are not sticking to arrangements set by the court- don’t fall for it.
And remember, the more time you spend focusing on their game-playing behaviour, the less time you have to meet your children’s needs.
Step 3-Imagine this relationship is like one with a work colleague that you don’t like but have to remain professional with
Treat this like a part of your job. Lay down the law early, or they will continue to chip away, hoping for a reaction.
o Stick to yes/no responses and the facts.
o Don’t reply to allegations/lies.
o Ask yourself ‘’what needs to be replied to in this message’’? If nothing-don’t reply. You don’t work for them, only with them.
o Don’t tell them anything about what’s going on in your life. It’s like inviting the devil for dinner. They will distort and twist everything they can.
Parallel parenting with a narcissistic individual is undeniably challenging. Still, with strategic approaches and focusing on your child’s well-being, navigating this and feeling some control is possible. As children age, they start to work out who the constant and loving parent is. And the one who likes causing all of the chaos.
If you need support breaking free from a narcissist, connect with me now to learn how I can guide you through this.
