Without Losing Yourself…..
Divorce can be challenging, but when one of the partners involved demonstrates narcissistic behaviours, it can be fraught with difficulties. Divorce rates are very high in this group, and narcissists will exhibit a range of manipulative and self-centred behaviours that can complicate and prolong divorce proceedings.
As you realise that the relationship has ended and the person you loved isn’t who you thought they were, your ex will intensify the abuse throughout the divorce.
Understanding Narcissism
Extensive research defines narcissism as a pervasive pattern of behaviour exhibited through grandiosity, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. Combine that with marriage, and this behaviour can manifest as emotional abuse, manipulation, and an unwillingness to compromise during divorce proceedings. For them, going through the divorce process is all about winning at any cost.
Where should I start?
1. Build a rockstar breakup and support team that makes you feel GOOD!
Divorcing a narcissist can be emotionally taxing, and having a solid support system is essential. Seek solace in friends, family, or support groups where you can share your experiences and emotions. WARNING-narcissists are so good at charming others that you may find your friends and family don’t believe what you are saying!!
So share this blog with them, so they can understand who you are dealing with. Finding support groups, a therapist or a coach who understands what you are going through will be a major asset throughout the divorce.
2. Shop till you drop when hiring a Lawyer. You don’t want a bargain basement run-of-the-mill family lawyer; you want Gucci with a decent trade discount………
Selecting the right lawyer is crucial when divorcing a narcissist. A skilled lawyer, experienced in handling high-conflict divorces, will be your advocate and buffer between you and your narcissistic partner. People often pay twice or thrice if they don’t take the time to go with somebody who knows what they are doing.
If your lawyer doesn’t demonstrate empathy and struggles to believe in your words, they aren’t for you. If they are willing to learn more and support you, and your gut (which many consider their second brain) tells you yes, it might be worth a shot.
Lawyers are not required to be trained in understanding domestic abuse throughout the divorce, so don’t assume they know what you are experiencing.
3. Package up your evidence like a Boss Queen!
I meet with many clients who underestimate the importance of this important, albeit laborious task.
Narcissists are adept at distorting reality and manipulating situations to their advantage, so collecting concrete evidence of their behaviours, finances, and assets is vital for a successful divorce. Emails, text messages, social media posts, and witness accounts can serve as valuable evidence in court.
4. Stay away from playing their game.
It is essential to set firm boundaries to protect yourself from emotional manipulation. I know it’s easier said than done. There will be moments where you want to scream, lash out and ask what you did wrong to end up with someone like this. But putting a firm lid on emotions in communications is a huge win for you! It stops you from feeling the tension in your mind and body and helps you make better decisions.
5. Limit communications to essential matters only and before you start to reply, take 5 minutes and ask yourself the following questions:
- Does this communication need to be replied to?
- Is there a question that needs to be answered for the divorce to proceed?
- Does this communication require me to respond because it impacts the safety and well-being of my children?
- If I reply, is it because I am defending myself against their false accusations?
6. Have a well-being plan for the children as they may be dragged into the process.
A narcissistic parent is highly likely to use the children as pawns, so ensuring they receive emotional support and stability is vital. Consult a child psychologist or therapist to help them cope with the necessary changes. If you can’t afford this service, consider asking somebody you feel is a solid role model for your child; this gives them somebody independent of you to talk to.
7. Prepare to Dance
Your ex will throw a spanner in the works when you think you might almost be there. Narcissists thrive on conflict and may engage in relentless legal manoeuvring to wear you down emotionally and financially. Anticipate this behaviour and be prepared for a prolonged legal battle. Stay vigilant, cooperate with your lawyer, and avoid unnecessary disputes. That’s what they want. Don’t give it to them.
8. Treat yourself like a Queen.
Amidst the turmoil of a narcissistic divorce, self-care becomes paramount. It’s not fluffy or wishy-washy. It’s what is going to help you get through this. I often hear that self-care is selfish; you have to put the kids first then you. It’s the same as when the airline tells you to put your oxygen mask on first, then the children.
Only then can you give your energy to others and the process. Remember to consider how important this is. And self-care should be healthy self-care, such as exercise or learning to dance, not overindulgence in drugs or alcohol. Falling into unhealthy habits is more ammunition for the narcissist.
Conclusion
Don’t underestimate your own power. We begin to forget who we are and what value we bring when abused. It wears us down and makes us second-guess everything. Our self-worth hits rock bottom, and making decisions feels impossible.
Trust your gut. Hone in on your intuition. Don’t second guess yourself; you will start taking back your power day by day.
Saria.
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Note: The information provided in this blog is based on expert opinions and insights from scholars in psychology and divorce. Robert Raskin and Calvin S. Hall’s studies on narcissism in understanding the nature of this personality trait.
