It sounds so simple.
It should be that simple. It should be as easy as packing a bag, arranging a safe place to stay and walking out the door.
The reality is that it’s a multi-faceted situation deeply entrenched in emotional, psychological and logistical complexities that make it almost impossible for people to break free.
The frustration I used to feel when friends and family would scream at me and say, ‘’If you take him back this time, after everything he did to you, I honestly won’t speak to you ever again.’’
They did talk to me again, but they soon became fed up with me making excuses for his behaviour, and I had a lot of them. I would make up stories in my head to contain the damage.
Leaving an abusive relationship is an immensely challenging and complex decision, one that often appears perplexing to those outside looking in.
So before asking, ‘’If it’s that bad, why doesn’t she just leave?’’ Here are just a few of the reasons why:
Trauma Bonding
The emotional bonds that tie an individual to their dominator play a significant role in the complexity of leaving. Often, there’s an intense emotional attachment that predates the abuse. This is referred to as ‘Trauma Bonding’.
In many cases, the dominator may exhibit kindness, affection, or love between episodes of mistreatment. This intermittent reinforcement creates a cycle of hope, making them believe that the dominator can change or that the initial positive traits can resurface. These sporadic moments of kindness or remorse serve as emotional hooks, causing them to question whether the situation is entirely wrong or if they are exaggerating the problem.
Gaslighting
Emotional manipulation and gaslighting are common tactics used by dominators to control people. Gaslighting, a form of psychological manipulation, causes the victim to question their reality, memory, or perceptions. This insidious technique leads them to doubt themselves and their judgment, making it extremely hard for them to recognise the abuse and take steps to leave the relationship.
There’s a Snake in the Grass
The fear of retaliation or escalation of abuse is another significant obstacle. Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time, as the dominator might feel a loss of control and resort to extreme measures to maintain dominance. The threat of physical harm, emotional blackmail, or financial control intensifies the fear of leaving, making them feel trapped.
When there is a snake in the grass, you would rather have it in your line of sight because you never know when it might attack. It feels safer to stay than to leave because once you do, those moments of never knowing what might happen next are very real.
Logistics
Practical considerations also play a crucial role. Financial dependence on the dominator, lack of alternative housing, fear of losing custody of children, or concerns about starting over without emotional or financial support often hinder the decision to leave. The logistical challenges can be overwhelming, especially when they have been isolated from friends and family or when the community lacks resources to support individuals seeking to exit abusive relationships.
Judgement
Societal and cultural factors can further complicate the decision to leave. Stigma, shame, and the pressure to maintain the appearance of a perfect relationship can prevent individuals from seeking help or confiding in others about their situation. These societal constructs can make them feel alone and ashamed, adding to the difficulty of leaving the relationship.
Ultimately, the journey out of an abusive relationship is not a straightforward path. It involves a complex interplay of emotional, psychological, logistical, and societal factors. Each situation is unique, and deciding to leave requires careful consideration, support, and resources. Getting up and just walking out of the door isn’t that simple.
It takes, on average, between 5-8 attempts to leave an abusive relationship. Even when you know it’s the right thing to do, the gaslighting, trauma bonding, manipulation and guilt feel so heavy.
Understanding the intricacies and challenges involved in leaving an abusive relationship is crucial to providing the necessary support and empathy to those who find themselves in such circumstances. Compassion, non-judgmental support, and accessible resources are essential in empowering individuals to break free from abusive situations and rebuild their lives.
If you or somebody you know needs support and doesn’t know how or where to start, connect with a local domestic abuse charity or support service. You will always be heard. Those who have lived it understand what you are experiencing and how out of control and isolating it feels. Don’t do it alone. Build a support team and find freedom.
